


hidden by words (under the pretence of being strong)

by orphan_account



Category: Naruto
Genre: Character study (sort of), Destiny, Its not that sad, Minor Character Death, Other, Uzumaki Naruto-centric, naruto working out what being the hokage really means
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:08:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23026804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: the war is over, and naruto stops to think about what he truly wants to do.
Kudos: 22





	hidden by words (under the pretence of being strong)

**Author's Note:**

> i apparently like to make the ramen boy sad but thats kishimotos own damn fault. this is probably ooc and not that good but i felt like if i didnt get it out of my head it would eat me alive. theres probably like one line hinting at shikaneji plus its not beta read so sorry for any mistakes in advance

when he stands in front of the graves surrounded by a crying crowd, his ex classmates scattered around, it finally dawns on him that the war took place, and how much did it cost all of them. 

he sees team ten first; ino and shikamaru's dads are buried next to each other, next to them an empty space. he figures it's another rule of the three clans; it feels too early to learn about it. in one moment ino falls to her knees and starts sobbing. sakura's next to her in a second. shikamaru's crying too, his mom holding his hand like a lifeline. choji stands behind them, watching with a saddened gaze. naruto knows it hurts them a hundred times more than asuma's death. 

team eight isn't near each other. shino stands with the rest of his clan, a few graves in front of them. he's not crying, naruto never saw him cry, but the fists clenched in his pockets give away just how much it hurts. kiba and his mom are trying to calm down kiba's sister; she's kneeling above a hole in dirt just the size of her dog. hinata stands away from them, most of her clan surrounding her. the number of hyuga family members that died is so big he doesn't even want to think about it. hinata has tears in her eyes, but she doesn't let them flow, not with her father around. 

he dares to look at team guy, and he regrets it. he expected lee and guy sensei to wail dramatically like they normally do, but instead he sees both of them sobbing quietly, as to not make a scene. tenten is holding their hands, eyes closed shut and mouth pulled in a straight line, her cheeks glistening from all the tears. he remembers how she glared at hinata and her father earlier and he understands. he knows she probably glared at him too, and doesn't blame her in the slightest. 

kakashi sensei isn't with them, he's at the memorial stone, along with other anbu members. itachi's name is carved into it too now, tsunade told them about it a few days ago. naruto thinks it's fitting. 

sasuke isn't anywhere near the cemetery as well, since the compound has its own after the massacre. there's a new grave there, after sasuke took itachi's body from zetsu's hideout. it's his own time to mourn too, and he's hurting more than they all are. naruto knows, and he knows that sasuke wants, _needs_ to be alone right now, but he still feels horrible for not being there for him. he's afraid of the guilt that's eating sasuke alive, afraid of what it may make him do. he tells himself he'll check up on the uchiha once all the ceremonies are done. 

but for now, he's focusing on not letting all the pain hidden deep in his heart get the worst of himself. the hero can't cry. 

* * *

he comes back again at night. it's quiet, _peaceful_. the place looks the same as it did years ago, when he tried to scare his classmates, but there's less free space now. he feels like an intruder while walking on the well known path in the middle. 

he spends a while in front of the graves of people he knew. he notes there's so _many_ of them and he suddenly doesn't feel like a hero anymore. if he truly was the so-called savior, none of these stones would be there now. he knows some of them don't even contain bodies — zetsu was merciless. 

he reaches neji's grave and feels his stomach tighten. he still sees the image of his bloodied smile whenever he closes his eyes, and he feels so _guilty_ , feels like a liar, because he _promised_ to change the hyuga clan for him, promised to help him change destiny. and now he's gone, killed by the exact fate he so desperately tried to run from. it doesn't feel _right_ , looking at the letters spelling his name. nor does it feel right to mourn him, when he's the reason of neji's death. it feels like no matter what he does, he'll never compensate for this enough. 

it makes him think of himself, too. maybe neji was right — maybe he can't run from destiny, maybe he'll become the failure he was so afraid of sooner or later. but what exactly _is_ a failure to him? a few days ago he'd say someone who couldn't save the world. a few weeks, someone who couldn't bring sasuke back. a few years, someone who couldn't become the hokage.

but the world is saved and sasuke's back and he's got the recognition he so desperately wanted all these years, so maybe his destiny is not becoming the hokage. he remembers neji making fun of his dream during their fight back then, calling it an illusion. naruto thinks that it might've been true. 

he's not sure if he's cut out to be someone who leads the village. he's good at fighting, good at talking people out of making bad choices, but he doesn't know how peaceful ruling works. he's not exactly the smartest nor does he have a good attention span, and he knows just how much paperwork and meetings does granny tsunade have. 

and what about the people? are they going to accept him and blindly follow him now that he saved the world? or is the hatred going to come back once they calm down? there's probably still people that are after him, and that would only create danger to the village. that's too big of a risk. 

he hears a swish in the air, and suddenly there's someone standing next to him. "hey." the smell of cigarettes hits his nose. 

"isn't smoking at a cemetery rude?"

shikamaru shrugs. "it's not like they mind it." he gestures towards the graves with his chin. "came for a visit too, huh?" 

"you could say that." he kicks a rock near his left foot, and then looks at his friend. "i thought you weren't close with people outside your team."

"the fifth likes to send people on double missions, just in case something happens. once you spend every few missions with the same person, you start to consider them a friend." the man smiles, but naruto sees _something_ glistening in his eyes. something he knows all too well. he doesn't ask anything else. 

his gaze lands on the sculpture in front of them. _will of fire_. 

"do you think i'd make a good hokage?" the words are out of his mouth quicker than he can think about them. he realizes just how stupid he has to sound, after repeating the same words over and over ever since he could talk. 

"what, having second thoughts after all the years of being annoying?" shikamaru chuckles, and yet it doesn't feel like he's making fun of him. 

"maybe." he admits more to himself than to the chunin, and it feels like a weight lifted off his shoulders. "what… would you do in my place?"

"the answer's simple for me. it's too troublesome." shikamaru takes out the remaining part of his cigarette and puts it out with his shoe. "the question is, do you really want to be the hokage? or was it just a childhood dream you grew too attached to and now that it's close to becoming a reality you got scared?" 

from this point of view it finally starts to make _sense_. he makes a mental note to treat shikamaru to ichiraku one of these days. 

he was so eager for attention when he was a child that becoming a hokage, someone who was widely acknowledged and admired, sounded like the best thing in the world. if he accomplished that, there would be no more ugly stares, no more scoffs, no more shutting him out. with time, it became something that pushed him forward; if he learned all the forbidden techniques he could be the hokage, if he passed the chunin exam he could be the hokage, if he won the bet with granny tsunade he could be the hokage, if he brought back sasuke to konoha he could be the hokage. 

but it was never about leading and protecting. it was about attention, acknowledgement, even being feared by people that made his life hell. _hokage_ was an empty word, something he would say every time he needed motivation to do something that seemed impossible, to get stronger. an empty promise. soon, sasuke became that driving force. he had to get stronger to get him back, had to get through hardships to be able to save him from the anger of so many people, had to learn new dangerous techniques to protect himself. and it finally had a _meaning_. 

he finally realizes he's far from being the leader. he cares for his own opinion the most and negates anything that criticizes it, going his own way in the end. he has way too many grudges against the village too, as his so-called _evil_ side never truly left; it only got stronger once the war started and he started to see how easy stopping it would've been for the people in power. he doesn't see konoha as the villagers he has to save, could count the people he really cares about on his fingers, and certainly doesn't understand loving something or someone as much as to die for them (unless it's sasuke, that is). 

he knows there is so much good he could do while being in power, but he's done way greater things while being a mere _genin_. there's also no telling in how much konoha's elders would meddle with his decisions. the amount of responsibility he would feel would probably be as huge as during the fight with kaguya. he doesn't want to feel it ever again. doesn't want to remember. 

"you're awfully quiet, naruto." 

"i'm trying to think how to say no to granny tsunade." 

it surprisingly doesn't feel like his world falling apart. rather it feels more like a breath of fresh air, like finally finding the answers he's been looking for. like he's finally _free_. 

shikamaru's eyes widen for a second, and then he smiles. "i don't think she's going to be that mad. she can annoy those old bags longer then." 

naruto chuckles. "yeah, but the paperwork is gonna kill her."

"she's going to manage." he closes his eyes and sighs. "you're going to be fine, too."

naruto nods his head. then he thinks about sasuke's plan to travel the world. there are things far more important than the village.

and maybe, just maybe, destiny wasn't cruel this one time. 

**Author's Note:**

> this is barely 2k but i feel like all of my life force was sucked out by this. kudos and comments are appreciated<3


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